For the Splinters Between Us

For the Splinters Between Us--September 27, 2018

"If your brother sins against you, go and point out that fault when the two of you are alone. If the brother listens to you, you have regained the brother. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the brother refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." [Matthew 18:15-17]

Telling the truth about what happened is a form of loving your neighbor.  So is listening to the truth being told.

It is important, in this age of ours where things like "facts" are debated, where we seem to have having an increasingly hard time even agreeing about the reality we live in, and where sources of information are regularly questioned on their reliability, to say that Jesus values truth-telling.  Jesus is convinced that "the truth" is a thing, a real, solid thing, and that it is possible to live without fear of hearing the truth being told, but in fact that we could be set free by the truth (see John 8:31 and following on that point).

That includes the truths about ourselves that we have a hard time facing.  And it includes the truths about when others have wronged us as well.  This is something we need to be clear about, because we sometimes get confused about how forgiveness and truth-telling relate.  Christians are forgiveness people--at least we are supposed to be--and that is not up for debate.  But often, we treat being "forgiveness people" as meaning we are "don't-talk-about-what-happened" people, and we tell ourselves that's what "forgive and forget" means.  None of that is correct.

Jesus, however, shows us--in fact, he lays out a model for life in community for us--that forgiveness does not short-circuit truth-telling, nor does forgiveness mean that we can sweep under the rug when someone is wronged.  The initial wound can heal--so long as it is given the chance to air out and not kept covered up to get gangrene.  The real trouble comes in our lives together when we experience a wrong done to us and then just bury it deep down, or feel pressured not to mention it  (because some religious person has told us that's what "forgiveness" means), or tell ourselves we must have deserved the wrong done to us.  Now we've got a wound--or maybe even a splinter, so to speak--in the relationship between us, and by leaving it there and pretending everything is fine, the wound will only get infected, and the pain will only continue.  Your body can heal from a splinter--your finger will take just a few days to be good as new--but removing the splinter is what allows it to heal rightly.  

And the same between us: if I am wronged, it is important--vital, even!--to be able to say it out loud, and to go to the person who has wronged me, so that we can deal with it.  After all, it is certainly possible that I have also wronged the other person and am not aware of it, or it is possible that the other person doesn't realize the gravity of how I have been hurt.  It is possible that the other person knows exactly what he or she did, but is still working up the courage to be able to speak with you about it and needs you to be able to say it out loud in order to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  It is possible that I will only be able to heal when I have said out loud to the other person, "This happened--and this is not okay," with the same focus as taking the tweezers to the splinter.  And then, once that has been said, I can say freely, "You are forgiven--I will not weaponize the past against you, and I will not come seeking personal revenge."

Jesus' approach is much like this: if I am wronged by someone else (and presumably if I feel safe having a one-on-one conversation with this person, depending on what the nature of the wrong has been), I will go to them and will say out loud what has happened.  We will acknowledge the elephant in the room--that is, after all, the only way you can eventually deal with it and ask it to dance. 

Saying it out loud to the other person is not being "unkind" or "unloving" or "nitpicking" or "unforgiving."  Saying it out loud is part of loving your neighbor--even the neighbor who wrongs you--because it shows sufficient respect to your neighbor that you do not treat him or her with kid gloves, but honor them enough to be real with them. Saying, "This hurt me," or "When you did that, it wounded me," is not unloving or grudge-bearing--it is the beginning of taking the tweezers to the splinter between you both.  Taking that splinter out by acknowledging it is there doesn't guarantee you will become best friends by next week, but no true healing will happen so long as it is left there unaddressed.

And, of course, in another teaching of Jesus, the other side of the equation is addressed, too: if I am in the middle of my daily routine--or even if I am about to bring my offering to God!--and I realize that I have wronged someone else, I should stop what I am doing, be the grown-up, and own my actions to begin to make things right.  In other words, I will tell the truth, even when it is an uncomfortable truth, or an admission of my failings. Telling the truth is an act of love for the neighbor--whether the neighbor is some I have wronged, or someone who has wronged me.  In either case, we need the honesty in order to get the splinter out.

And to hear Jesus tell it, that honesty is so important to Jesus, it even supersedes acts of religious devotion like bringing your offering to God.  God doesn't need your money as much as God wants you and your neighbor to deal with the wound between you.  Jesus values the truth-telling that makes reconciliation possible more than our offering checks, tithes, sacrifices, and prayers.  

On a day like today, we need to remember that, especially because we are followers of Jesus.  Truth-telling is a form of loving your neighbor.  And listening to the truth being told--taking the time for it, bearing the pain of it, enduring the implications of it--is a form of loving your neighbor.  

Today, let us be people who are capable of such love--the love that is expressed by honesty.

Lord Jesus, you who are our Truth, and who sets us free in your truth, give us the courage and love to tell the truth when we have been wronged or been the offenders, and give us the passion to take the time to listen to truths being told, even when they make us squirm.