The Gift of Discipline--October 5, 2021
"And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as children--'My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, or lose heart when you are punished by him; for the Lord disciplines those whom he loves, and chastises every child whom he accepts'." [Hebrews 12:5-6]
Okay, I need to start with this much: my mother was right.
When I was a kid, I could tell I had really, really done something wrong when my parents got quiet, rather than raising their voices. It was a teacher's strategy, born of the experience that shouting at a classroom full of students shows them you are losing control, but getting quiet gets their attention in a different way. And when my mother would get quiet, especially if there were unpleasant consequences about to be meted out, there was often this refrain that came with the sentencing: "As your parent, the absolute worst thing I could say to you is, 'Go ahead, do whatever you want--I don't care anymore'."
And... she was right.
As a parent now, I get the same tension in directing my own kids. There are certainly times when it would be easier (in the short term) to just say, "I don't care" and not have to fight the battles kids provoke sometimes--the battles over going to bed at bedtime, or limits on screens, or not harassing their siblings, or being respectful even when they are upset. But in those times, I can hear my mom's wisdom, echoing back to me, that the worst thing a parent can say is some version of "Do whatever the hell you want--I'm done with you." It might seem easier to give up or bail out rather than hold a parental line, whether it's bedtimes and limits on candy, or being out past curfew and staying off of drugs when they're older, but my mom was right--part of a parent's job is in being willing to look like (or be treated as) the bad guy, so to speak, rather than dodging the difficult consequences of their kid's choices.
All of that is to say that a parent's job isn't merely to make their children "happy" all the time, and not even to be their kids' "friends" (although something like friendship may well emerge with time in their adulthood). But a parent's job is about shaping the kind of human being those children grow up into. It's not simply about meeting immediate needs for survival, although it includes that. But it's about growing our children in to decent adults--into being people who are kind and wise, just and truthful, self-giving and responsible. If a parent's job were simply to make sure their kids don't starve, they would teach their children to hoard or steal food from others at any chance they could get away with it. But if a parent's job is more than that, because it involves teaching children to share what they have so that others don't starve, then we're talking about the kind of people--the sort of character--our children grow up into becoming.
And once we are clear that the goal--the purpose--of parenting isn't simply to leave them plates of cookies to eat (because they don't like vegetables) or to do their homework for them when they forget or want to skip it, then it seems inevitable that there will be times where parenting looks like discipline. Now, to be clear, the word "discipline" by itself doesn't necessarily include any particular strategy or consequence. Some people hear the word and automatically assume it means physically hitting your kid--that is not what I mean. For that matter, I know there are folks who swear that getting whipped with a belt or smacked with a switch was what put them on the straight-and-narrow in their own childhood, and to that I can only say I also know plenty of folks whose lives were wrecked because of that kind of punishment that came across as arbitrary and cruel and the way it destroyed their ability to trust their parents. So I'm not here with an agenda to encourage more parents to smack their kids in the name of "good discipline."
But I am here to say that part of good parenting is the good discipline piece, and that means seeing the role of parent as one of shaping the people our children become. And that part of that shaping will mean times when our children have to face consequences, deal with adversity, or grow through times of hardship, rather than us only making things easier for them all the time.
And more to the point from the perspective of Hebrews is that God's role in our lives is not to be our genie granting our every wish, but to grow us to maturity so that we can be decent, kind, loving, just, and truthful human beings. In other words, like any parent worth their salt, God is committed to shaping the kind of people we become, and that sometimes involves our experiencing the consequences that come with our choices, or compelling us to do things even when they are hard or not fun. The word "discipline" used here in the original Greek of our passage has that sense of raising a child--it doesn't require pain per se, but it does mean that God's goal is not to leave us as we are, but to bring us to maturity. Again, like any human parent learns, that doesn't mean children become cookie cutter copies of whatever aspirations the parents may have for their kids, but rather than the children become more fully what they are meant to be, using their fullest potential and blossoming into their best selves.
All of this means that our relationship with God has got to be deeper than our relationship with a vending machine or a genie that only ever gives us what we demand. It means, too, that there are going to be times where God takes us by the hand to learn, side by side, so to speak, about how we do things in this family. And it will mean that God reserves the right to instill in us the kinds of habits, practices, and virtues that may not always be "fun" but are always deeply and truly good.
Now, the writer of Hebrews doesn't specifically connect any particular calamity or situation with "God's discipline" for his readers. You'll notice he doesn't say, "See, that time the storm came and pulled down your barn, that was God's discipline on you for being a bad person," or "The time your grandmother got so sick, or the time your baby had croup, those were God judging you for wicked thoughts you had three years ago." It's a tempting, but wrong-headed, move to connect "bad things that happen in life" with specific but unrelated "bad things you did" as divine punishments. But instead, the writer of Hebrews helps us to reframe how we experience the struggle of being faithful in difficult times.
Almost like the way a good parent will insist that their kids learn good work habits and finish their homework before playing video games, or keep up the practice with a sport, a skill, or an instrument even when it's not always easy or fun, I think the writer of Hebrews sees God as holding us to keep at the work we are doing day in and day out that helps us become more mature. It would be easier in a sense for God to leave us as selfish, mean-spirited brats and leave us to our own devices that way, but God is committed to us becoming our best selves, and as the community of Jesus' followers, that means God holds us to the things that help shape Christ in us. It's hard practicing love in a time where selfishness is often seen as good business sense, but God keeps shaping us in the way of love. It's hard to keep growing in humility when our culture seems perpetually obsessed with bragging about our "greatness," and yet God keeps sanding off the rough edges of arrogance in us. It's hard to be brave when a social media culture makes it easy to lob a mean comment and then hide anonymously behind a screen rather than owning up to our words, and yet God is fashioning us into people who are courageous even when it is difficult.
That's what God's kind of discipline looks like, I am convinced. And it is because God loves us that God endures the difficulty of it too alongside us, in order that we might be fully what we are meant to be.
How is God shaping you today?
Lord God, here we are: shape us, grow us, and direct us so that we will become reflections of your goodness in the world.
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