The Inner Struggle--September 2, 2019
"Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you." [Ephesians 4:31-32]
It is always easier to blame someone else than to listen to them.
It is always easier to make someone else the villain rather than seeing our own faults.
And it is always easier, too, to declare ourselves unquestionably "in the right," rather than consider where we might be wrong, because it lets us ignore anybody who doesn't already agree with me. They must be wrong, after all... because I have already told myself I'm right. Tidy little (circular) system there, isn't it?
And honestly, I think this may be one of the greatest struggles of the Christian life--the ability to see ourselves and others truthfully enough that we can see our own mess-ups... as well as the good in others. And, perhaps it is hardest of all to see that forgiveness covers all of us.
We are so quick to draw lines that put us in "sides" these days, and we easily give in to those tempting voices that bait us into hating each other. We let ourselves give our attention over to the loudest mouths in the room, the ones who have a vested interest in nurturing our bitterness and curating our malice toward each other. We surrender our thinking to the ones who need us to be both angry at and afraid of shadowy enemies out there--you know, "those people." They need us to fix our anxiety and hostility on some nebulous "them," so that we will keep running to loud, divisive voices for guidance. Anger and fear are powerful motivators, after all, and like the little pig's shack made of straw, they are always easier materials to throw together than the slow masonry work of love and vulnerability require for truly building things that last.
But in the face of how easy and alluring it is to give into malice, the writer of Ephesians tells us to resist. We are called to resist the temptation to assume I am only in the right, and therefore that everyone else is in the wrong. We are called to resist the temptation to assume that when I am having a fight with a friend, that it was all the other person rather than me who bears responsibility. We are called to resist the temptation to assume that the other person has to come crawling back to me first, tail between their legs, and show some proper remorse before we dare think about forgiving them (because, after all, we still want to hold onto the idea that forgiveness is a commodity that must be earned, rather than risked as a free gift). The writer of Ephesians calls us to leave behind those easy gut responses of smug self-righteousness and nursed grudges, and to do the difficult thing of seeing our own mistakes, our own failures, our own hang-ups, and our own need to be forgiven.
One of the most difficult--but I think most important, too--conversations I have with couples, often when they are preparing for marriage or struggling in marriage, is about precisely that. In conversation about resolving conflict, usually the partners are able to name when there's a problem. And chances are they are in the same ballpark as far as being able to describe what the problem is. The really tough part--pretty much for all of us--is the next step, of laying out how each person contributes to the situation. That's hard, because it requires a different way of seeing--a more honest one. Our gut impulse is to define every problem, every disagreement, every conflict in terms of, "Well, the problem is that I am right and innocent, and this bozo over here just can't see that they're wrong and guilty of hurting my feelings, too!" But honest self-examination means seeing that both you and I have done our share of wounding... and that quite likely both you and I have had good intentions in what we have done or said... and that both of us are in need of forgiveness. It is easier to dig your heels in and insist you are wholly in the right. But that just ain't honest.
The challenge from Ephesians today is for us to take up the struggle of self-examination and forgiveness, so that we can see that both our neighbor's need for forgiveness and our need for forgiveness are intertwined. And instead of only seeing the world in terms of people who are right (because they agree with me, or because they don't challenge my thinking, or because they don't call me out when I am hurtful to others) and people who must be wrong (because they don't agree, or do challenge my thinking, or do call me out), we are called to start with the assurance of forgiveness all around. The people I want to turn into villains in my mind--well, even if they are mustache-twirling, black-hat wearing bad guys, God's mercy is for them, too. They are beloved of God, just as I am. And then, that forces me to see that I am in need of forgiveness myself... which makes me see the ways I have messed up that require the forgiving in the first place.
Once we let forgiveness into the equation anywhere, it has a way of spreading like kudzu, and it covers everything--not just me, but the people I had grown comfortable with hating and casting as the villains, too. But that grace makes truth-telling possible, because it enables me to see that the people I was most hostile toward might still have something to teach me. And it compels me to see that I most likely bear some responsibility for the conflicts and strained relationships of which I am a part. Everybody always assumes it's the other person who changed, grown distant, or done something wrong--but maybe we are each on separate icebergs floating in different directions. Once I can face that, we can do something about it, rather than just lamenting that the currents are taking us further apart. But it starts with the honesty that sees it... and the grace that makes such honesty possible.
Today, as we start a new focus in our devotions on seeing Christ here in our struggles, let's take the bull by the horns and face this one: the struggles we have with other people are often made worse because we aren't willing to do the hard work of looking at our own need for grace and our own mess-ups that call for forgiveness. Let's do the hard thing, then, and take a look at the strained places and relationships in our lives and seek to own what is ours to own, so that we can also let go of what needs to be released.
It is always easier to blame or hate or walk away... but Christ gives us the courage and power to do the hard thing of forgiving and being forgiven.
Lord Jesus, give us your strength for the struggle inside today.
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